Sunday, August 26, 2007

Hello again, Mr. J-Bart from J-Town... seem to have a knack for driving in the winning run the last couple of days. To the tune of your second straight MotH:

Of course, while you're the MotH, Mr. Baker is the DotD, with many congradulations:

At least now people can stop asking Mrs. Baker if she has a bun in the oven.

Oh, and welcome back:

A great four games. And lest we forget:

Take that, song birds incorrectly named after a completely unrelated Old World Bird!

MotH, August 25, 2007

Holy hell, boys. Great game. Ye Olde Pirate Matt GaRRRza got hi'self in some jams, but managed to escape with minimal damage, and his jolly crew carried the load for the six thru ninth innings.

However, he's not the MotH. Four walks is NOT a MotHworthy performance.

Kudos to Torii for the three-run dinger.

However, even a three-run shot wasn't enough to get the MotH.

Driving in two runs (the second one being the one to win the game, even if no more runs were plated) and making a twisty-turvy-lopsided catch-and-glove-toss-to-LNP for an out (and quite possibly saving a run) all while going four-fer-four is. So, J-Bart from Jasonville, welcome to the MotH.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Well, that was nice.

Usually twins pitchers lose games they deserve to win, not the other way around.

Better be saying thank you to alot of guys, Santana. But no one more that this guy:

Yes, Jason Kubel, former Prime Minister of Lower Saxony*, is the MotH.

*I know it's a stretch, but damnit, I couldn't think of anything. If any of you readers want to suggest something, let me know. Perhaps a contest of some sort. Name that Kubel!

Besides, why should a guy shy away from a history lesson just because it has nothing to do with baseball, Minnesota, or modern times?

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Sometimes it's the little things.

And by little things, I mean little people.

Why him, you ask, despite Boof's great performance? Well, he had more that one hit (one of them a double), including the first of the eight-innig rally. He scored two of the runs, which were good enough for at least a tie.

Hell, who am I kidding - as much as his offense has sucked this year, the two hits were enough to seal the deal for me.

But I can't forget this guy-

-For going deep in the game and only giving up one run.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Kudos to Carlos Silvaback for the seven inning two run performance, but it's nice to see that Cuddy's a nature conservationist as well as DJ and magician.

That, and grand slams are an almost automatic MotH.

Sunday, August 19, 2007


...when a guy hits a home run that is the winning run, he'd be the MotH.


But when your starting pitcher scatters two hits in eight innings amongst 17 - sevenF'Nteen - strikeouts, well, you can't say anything but "Holy poop on a stick, are you ever the MotH."

Yes, that is a photo-mashup of Danny Trejo, star of the upcoming sure to be cult classic "Machete," directed by Robert Rodriguez. A bad-ass pitcher and a bad-ass movie. Pure awesome.

Friday, August 17, 2007

The last three games...

Sometimes, the endangered Silvaback Gorilla needs help. Sometimes giving up only one run through seven innings isn't enough. Sometimes, it takes a Tiny Superhero to take matters into his own hands and win the damn game, by getting his tiny ass to third and scoring on a wild pitch. So in other words...

As far as the last two against the Mariners...

Back to back MotH. 1st game? 4-fer-4, 3 RBI. 2nd game? Grand Slam. You = win. At least versus the Mariners, who I used to love, before they totally treated the Big Unit like total crap, which is really stupid. And your loss = Minnesota's gain. So take that, you sea fairimg buttholes.

Oh yeah - Garza and Baker? You were awesome too. Twas good to see Baker bake up a one run masterpiece, and GaRRRza pirate a win against the merchant maweiners.

Yeah, my puns suck. Deal with it.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

How do you go Oh-fer-a Zillion with RISP and still win?

You DON'T. For the love of the game, IT'S INFREAKIN' POSSIBLE!

Matt, buddy, awesome game. Too bad your teammates don't realize that a pitcher with no run support is like a pirate with no treasure. You still rocked though, Mr GaRRRza. I can't believe you're one-and-three. Call Bradke, see how he dealt with it.

To those of you who got on base, stole second, drew walks, way to go. But it's all meaningless unless someone drives you across the plate. And no one did. And I bet you're even more frustrated than I am.

Smell 'em? Smell 'em? The only thing I smelled tonight was ass-bats and missed opportunities galore.

Dammit anyway.

Bam! Boom! Whoosh!

Nineteen hits + Eleven Runs + every starter got a hit (LNP got a DOUBLE! He hit the ball about...a hundred and twenty times his height!) + We gots teh win = 3, yes THREE MotH.

3 hits, a two run homer, and 3 RBI for both these guys:

And four-for-five with a RBI for this gentleman:

Why yes, I agree! A great day for golfing! AND Baseball!

Sunday, August 5, 2007

So, how do you follow up an eight inning one run gem?

Why, with an eight inning, NO run gem.

Complete with Lego-Vision worthy dive for a bunt into a double play (hint hint, Anne!)

So anyway, yeah: Your second consecutive start = your second consecutive MotH. Booyah!

Of course, I can't forget Castilla who drove in the winning - and only (*cough* o'fer'12 CMH *cough*) - run tonight. So, lemme pause this post and go whip something up (NOTE: you will not be subjected to an actual pause, only a simulated pause, as witnessed by the dots below)


Yeah, yeah. Too obvious. Whatever.

4.5 out, bitches!

Saturday, August 4, 2007

Welcome Back...

Saturday, August 8:

Two things stand out to me, looking at this mock-up.

One, I really shouldv'e photochopped some head-phones onto Cuddy back in the day.

Two, Denny's head is HUGE. I don't mean in the picture, either - I mean his noggin is ENORMOUS. That image? Scaled down. I bet that lil' extra weight around his mid-section is just to keep the extra weight up top from adding unwanted movement to his pitches.

But back on topic - driving in two runs, the second the game winner? Hellz yeah Mike's the MotH.

Special mention to our bullpen (crainially endowed or not) for keeping the Racially Insensitive from crossing home plate.

And Garza - 93 pitches in four innings? You'd better wash their feet with your tears of gratitude, young fella.

P.S. - You still deserve better than 1-2 on the year.

P.P.S. - You also pitched out of some hella-jams there, so I guess you can just wash their feet with tap water.

5.5 out, bitches!

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

MotH for July 31...

All around a good game. Good starting pitching, good hitting, good capitalization on the opponents mistakes, and GREAT defense.

Especially the back-up catcher that threw out three stolen base attempts.

So, Mike Redmond, Mr. Naked Batting Practice, you get your third MotH. And pants.


Oh, and Tweek? Thanks for the spasms there to start the ninth. Buttface.

At least you got the next three batters in a row and the save.


No more of this man:

Sigh. I really have nothing else to say.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Damn, pt. 2

Another NON wasted dominant performance by a young pitcher. Joe, you so totally rule for the 3 RBI, but this HAS to go to young Scotty, partially because of his other well-pitched games in which youz guyz didn't give him any run support.

Heh. Heh. Support (you bat-girl fans will get the joke).

Anyway, back to Ba(sics)ker: 8 innings, two hits, one run, one batter over the minimum, and NO WALKS! And Tweek Nathan with a one-two-three for the save.

So enjoy the MotH, Scott Baker:

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Aye, be careful not to cross him, ye scurvy scallywags!

I mean, of course, Matt GaRRRRza.

The terror of the diamond-shaped green seas, sitting on his earthen mound of a crows nest, shooting his cannon through opponents' scoring averages, leading his team to victory over the heinous Captain CheesebuRRRgeRRR Sabathia.

OK, enough pirate lingo. But DAMN. A 1.38 ERA through 26 1/3 innings?


11 strikeouts today?


And thanks to some ass-battiness and an error, he's only 1 and 2 with a no decision.

Not to throw away the rest of this season, because the Tigers and Indians are strugglin' just at the right time to make a surge - AND WE CAN DO IT - but imagine our starting line-up next year with Johan, Matt (if this impressive streak continues), and the Frisco Kid.


Saturday, July 28, 2007

Now THAT'S Twins Baseball.

2 runs (0 runs if it weren't for one pitch) over seven innings by the starter.
2 1-2-3's by the NnN boys.

Small-balling in the winning run on a ground out (by a rookie third baseman in his second MLB game).

Oh, yeah. He (Buscher - ah, a baseball name) woulda been MotH except'n for one little thing.

Hell, Johan woulda been MotH were it not for one little thing (and I don't mean one bad pitch, up but in the zone, that tied the game).

That one little thing?


So YOU, Mr. FunnyName McLazyParents, Mr. J-Tyne from Jasonville, are the MotH. Savor it like a 352 foot shot to the Twins bullpen. In fact, no funny picture. Just a smile for the ages.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007


Yet another wasted performance by a young pitcher against the Tigers. One UNEARNED RUN - thank you J-Bart from Jasonville - in seven innings. Down the tubes because the assbats returned. I'm not angry, I'm just sad. Sad, because we're seven back again but should be five and a half back. Sad, because Joe Mauer took a fastball for strike three looking and never once swung during that at bat. Sad, because J-Bart's five game streak is over. Sad, because ObiWan came about ten feet from tying the game. Sad, because we friggin lost a game we coulda/shoulda/woulda normally won.

But we have two more to make up ground. We have Garza who so far has pitched 13 innings with a 0.00 ERA. The bullpen continues to dominate. We have Johan pitching tommorrow.

I'm about 85% sure I'll be in a better mood this time tommorrow. But for now, I'm just sad.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Break out the brooms...

Take that, Athletic Supporters Not Named Nutty!

Four straight...a sweep of those damned A's...good times, good times.

As for the MotH, well, it should be obvious - the guy that drove in the winning run in the bottom of the ninth with his third hit of the day. Sorry, Nicky and Luis - Triples rule, but game-ending RBI's are overlords. The Palpatine to your Vader. The Higgins to your Magnum PI. The Axel Foley to your Billy Rosewood.

Now, instead of photoshopping the handsome young lad, I'm gonna just post a picture of him. For the ladies. Because they love the strapping young man.

See you all Tuesday!

Saturday, July 14, 2007

MotH for July 14, 2007.

Neshek and Nathan FTW! Er, FTS! Awesome. But even better than that?

Two RBI's? Driving in the winning run? Music To My Ears. Which, incidentally, shares two initials with Man of the Hour:

Oh, Carlos - I wish Gardy would have let you get the last out of the seventh, so it would remained a 4-1 game. But you went deep, and you got the win, and retired 15 in a friggin' row. So, yeah. Awesome. Carlos Silvaback FTW!

Friday, July 13, 2007

MotH, July 13th.

3 hits, two RBI's, one run scored, = MotH. Even with Johan being En Fuego.

And once again, different ribby's from different guys, capitalizing on errors, solid starting pitching, solid relief pitching from Neshek and Nathan. Hmm. THe N&N boys? Sounds like the "nnn" boys when spoken, so probably not.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Mmm, that was nice.

A six-to-two win. Five of our gents with RBI's. Cuddy with four hits. Mauer reaching home twice after two walks. Baker gives up five hits and only two earned runs in six full, and our bullpen pitches 3 innings alowing one walk, no hits, and three K's - two of them by our closer in a nine pitch ninth inning.

So, who is the MotH? Part of me wants to give it to Baker to make up for his one run eight inning loss, but let's face it - four-for-four+a homerun short of hitting for the cycle = MotH for our dead friend:

And I leave you, my dead reader(s?), with this promise: A lot more blogging in the second half of the season. Not that it'll be hard, considering my piss-poor attendance in the first half.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Men of the Hour, June 14th, 2007

See what you get for driving in the winning run, Michael Redmond?

You get MotH number two, that's what you get.

Now put on some GOSH DARN PANTS!

Now, summya's might be thinking Mr. Santana deserves the award, what with two only earned runs and nine strikeouts through seven innings. And you're right. So, Mr. Supernatural Smooth, you also get to be the MotH. Nice thing about the word man - it's plural form (men) also starts with an "m." Of course, that works for alot of words, but it doesn't make it any less convenient.

How do you spell MotH?

Why, you spell it "M-o-t-H," naturally. But here's some mathy goodness for you:

9 innings (= rest for our bullpen!) + no walks + new baby = win (= MotH).

Excellent rebound from the previous start. Now think how nice it would be to not need to rebound.

Close seconds to Lew for his first HR of the year.

Sorry I haven't been around much lately - got promoted at work, kinda busy, but it's settling down. As for the previous two games:

June 10 MotH is J-Bart from Jasonville. I hope naming him MotH isn't an error. And Boof? You're a lucky man. Might want to make sure it's still legal to buy gifts for the guys on your own team, though.

June 12 can't be anyone other than Torii. You drive in the first two runs, steal third, then tie the game because of an erronious throw on your steal attempt. Please don't leave us. Ever. Because you'd look sucky in pinstripes. And Slowey? Keep it up, kid.

I am still convinced that Pat Neshek is a robot. But a very advanced robot. Like Data from ST:TNG, only without the jaundice and malfunctioning emotion chip. Luckily, he's a good robot, like Optimus Prime. Sure, he can't turn into a giant-ass robot or a semi (not even a semi-colon!), but I bet Optimus Prime would look really stupid trying to throw that carny-sidearm-waveform-thingamajobbie delivery Neshek has. I hope he has a patent.

Saturday, June 9, 2007

I must have jinxed their mojo.

Over-Praising Carlos Silva.

Salivating at the thought of interleague play.

Well, at least Ramon Or-

-I'm not even gonna finish that thought.

Tommorrow's another day, though, and another game, and I sit in anticipation of-


Thursday, June 7, 2007

The Littlest American Hero.

And so, with the gift given to him by the green guys, Little Nicky Punto earns his first MotH.

That said, we really need to win games not pitch by Slowey. Actually, we need to win games pitched by Slowey and the other guys - especially when the much-maligned Carlos Silva only gives up one run in eight innings. (I know, I already mentioned it, but since everyone hates on him I gotta give him some man-love).

The days in between Slowey's starts, for the most part, sucked. Especially June 4th - man did that blow.

That's OK, though - we have interleague play coming up. And we know what happened last year during interleague play. We kicked ass. So let's do that again.

Saturday, June 2, 2007

June 2, 2007


Dear gosh allcensored was that painful. Poor Carlos. I mean, I know it sucks that Bradke's gone, but do you have to torture an endangered species from the mist-mired hills of Africa?

Where the **** is Jane Goodall when you need here?

Thanks for trying, Castillo - I'm not mad at you. The rest of you, though, listen up:

The next time the much maligned Carlos Silva pitches 8 innings, only giving up one run, YOU BETTER WIN THE FREAKIN' GAME!

Well, that was typed, so unless someone read it to you, you probably didn't hear anything. But you get my point.

S'Okay, though. You have a chance to win the series tommorrow, with Johan on the mound. Cleveland lost, so you didn't lose any ground for the division lead (though you did drop a game in the Wild Card, but we Twins Fans say "F" the Wild Card!) and the Bitch Sox lost, so you don't have to look over your shoulders in their direction any more than you may or may not be doing (are pirahnas capable of such neck flexibility?).

Sorry I yelled, guys. Daddy's just tired. Daddy works really hard to afford TV and internet to watch you guys play and gets emotional when he knows you could do better. Tell you what - don't tell mommy, and I'll buy you a pizza.

Slowey's off to a fastey start.

OK, yeah...that was horrible. But the game kicked ass. Nice to see a new pitcher off to a great start. Let's hope he doesn't Baker himself out.

Neshek continues to be an out-whoring robot of a pitcher.

Nathan went back to being this guy:

But we still won, so I'll forgive him.

This Time...

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

MotH, May 30, 2007

Ahh...take a moment...savor it.

Baker sucked today, but our boys found a way to win anyway, even if it involved a ninth inning throwing error that allowed the winning run to walk home. Of course, without this gentleman robbing the BS's of a ninth-inning home run, that walked run might not have mattered:

No funny picture of Jason Kubel today...probably because I can't think of any funny puns to make with his name. Oh well, it'll come to me. In the meantime, Jason, enjoy oyur MotH.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Man of the Hour, May 29th,2007

It's NOT nice to see Redmond hit by a pitch - he gets beat up enough behind the plate.

But man, it's nice to see back-to-back 16 hit games.

It's nice to see Kubel hit a 2-run dinger.

But it's best to see 2 doubles and a big booming home run from our favorite Canadian Jedi Knight.

Yeah, the first two-time winner of the MotH award. Huzzahs, eh?

I'd also like to point out it was nice to see Cali and Ortiz pitch so well out of the pen. It's always cool to see people step up in the face of injuries. Keep it up guys.

Man of the Hour, May 28, 2007

A bases clearing 3 RBI double to put the team ahead for good? Hellz yeah that makes you the MotH. Just, y'know, put on some pants first or something...and maybe a shirt, socks, some nice shoes...

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Man of the Hour, May 27, 2007.

First, you get no run support. Then, after two bad starts, you get no love - never mind the fact that in your first three loses you gave up a grand total of five runs for a whopping two wins because the offense was offensive only to fans and to your W-L column.

Never mind the fact that youre ERA is WTFD from last year at this point.

Well, Carlos, I never lost faith in you and your sinker (well, not this season). Hell, I made this image three weeks ago, knowing that as long as our guys could score some runs, I'd be able to put it up sooner rather than later.

In closing, for two measly runs in 7 1/3 innings, for going deep into a game where we needed to rest our bullpen, and for a 3/1 K/BB ratio, you are the MotH.

By the way, Mr. Nathan - I'm glad you took my advice from the last column.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Man of the Hour, May 25.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Torii drove in the winning run, but it would have been nothing without Cuddy's 2-run shot in the fifth. Therefore:

And one more thing. Mr. Nathan, I'm talking to you, sir:

Stop it, sir. Just STOP it.

This thing you do of letting two baserunners on in the ninth of a one/two run game before striking out the last base runner? Stop it.

Go back to sitting them bitches down, please.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Playing catch up...

Man of the Hour, May 19 - Scott Baker.

8 1/3 innings, two runs. Damn good show. Welcome back - and I hope you left Nutty at Rodchester, young man.

However, I have to give Torii Hunter something for the 18th an 19th, since he was so f'n awesome. I think I'll give him the Land O' Lakes Butter Smooveness award for Mid-May 2007.

May 20 - So close to a sweep. And more bullpen injuries. It would be a metaphor for my diet/exercise regiment, if I could make any connection whatsoever.

May 21 - Ouch. That really, really hurt. Dear Herb Carneal in Heaven did that suck. Moving on...

May 22 - Johan. Wow. One run, 13 bitches sat down. Excellent game. But I'm afraid Morneau-Bee was strong with the Force in this one, to the tune of two dingers in the key of five runs. So he's the Man of the Hour. You'll have to settle for...

...the hell with it. Two men of the hour. Keep it up boys.

May 23 - So Morneau is keeping it up. Excellent. Another home run, putting him at 2nd place in the AL. And Tyner - yes, Jason Renyt Tyner - driving in the tying run and scoring the go-ahead on a wild pitch. Welcome to MotH, Mr. Lazyparents Middlename.

Random thought - Is Pat Neshek even human? A 1.29 ERA and a friggin' .86 WHIP?

And last, but not least - Bat-Girl, it's been a hell of a time reading your blog for the last two years. I will miss it like hell. And please, enjoy the hell out of Baby Dash. And your novels. And the Twins.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Man of the Hour, May 18, 2007

Five 1-2-3 innings? Check.
One run (that a almost-turned double play damn near prevented) through seven innings? Check.
Eleven strikeouts to one walk? Check.
Silly name? Check.
You, sir, were on fire yesterday. So it's only logical to make you the Man of the Hour.

Torii was a close second with his grand slam, mind you; but on two of the last three days it wouldn't have been enough for the win. Sometimes it takes more than a pretty swing to get the MotH.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

The good - we scored more than one run for two consecutive games. Four home runs. Seven runs scored.

The bad - Yet another infield error.

The ugly - Our pitching stunk the place up to high heaven - maybe even the Larimore hog farm, which smells bad enough without added more putrid odors to the mix.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Real Men Like Pink.

Pink bats, that is.

You see, the ESPN announcers were all gathered near the Twins' dugout, giggling at the half-dozen pick bats they saw.

"Tee-Hee! Those bats are pink!" giggled Joe Morgan.

"Yeah!" said Jon Miller, in between bites of a tasty Taco Bell steak quesadilla. "These guys are a bunch of girls!"

"C'mon, guys," smiled Torii Hunter. "We're using these bats for a good cause, to raise awareness and money for the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation."

"Ha ha! Ha ha ha! You said breast!" bellowed Peter Gammons.

"Hey now, guys. Breast cancer is a serious issue."

"That's right," added Michael Cuddyer. "We need to find a cure for one of the most dangerous diseases facing women. The more money raised to go towards research, the better the odds these women will face, and the sooner it will be when we find a cure."

"I don't see what's so funny, you immature morons," chimed in Mike Redmond. "It's the third most common cause of cancer-related deaths in this country. Women face a one in eight chance of developing the disease, and a one in thirty-three chance in dying from it."

"Ok, Ok, we're sorry. But pink bats? C'mon, guys - don't you think it's a little girly?" said Joe Morgan, Asshat.

"Girly? GIRLY?" Yelled Redmond. "What the hell is this - third grade? Get outta my chiseled, manly face before this pink bat is wrapped around your skulls!"

With that, the ESPN crew ran away. A moment of silence followed.

"You know, guys - we kind of have been hitting like girls, lately," said Torii.

"Yeah, I know. It pisses me off." said Redmond. "Those guys piss me off to. I'm so mad, I could hit my first home run since 2005!"

"Yeah! I'm so pissed off I could hit my third home run this season!" Yelled Cuddyer.

"I know I don't look like it, because I'm so smooth, but I'm pissed off too. In fact, this pretty, pretty man is so pissed off I could hit TWO home runs tonight!" said Torii, in his smooth, velvetty voice.

"So could I!" said Little Nicky Punto, causing laughter from the three.

"Well I could," he pouted.

"Tell you what, kid," Torii said soothingly, roughing up Punto's hair. "Just get your ass on base. Let us worry about the home runs."

The above statistics about breast cancer are true. I urge any of you with the monetary means to either donate to the Susan G. Komen for the Cure (linked above), or the American Cancer Society.

Man of the Hour, May 13, 2007.

It feels good to type that again.

And once again, there is no doubt as to whom this honor belongs.

Two home runs? Check. Two-run double? Check. Seven - smell 'em, SEVEN - RBI's? Check.

Hot damn that's some Pretty Hittin' Torii. Hot damn indeed.