Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Ahh...take a moment...savor it.
Baker sucked today, but our boys found a way to win anyway, even if it involved a ninth inning throwing error that allowed the winning run to walk home. Of course, without this gentleman robbing the BS's of a ninth-inning home run, that walked run might not have mattered:
No funny picture of Jason Kubel today...probably because I can't think of any funny puns to make with his name. Oh well, it'll come to me. In the meantime, Jason, enjoy oyur MotH.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
But man, it's nice to see back-to-back 16 hit games.
It's nice to see Kubel hit a 2-run dinger.
But it's best to see 2 doubles and a big booming home run from our favorite Canadian Jedi Knight.
Yeah, the first two-time winner of the MotH award. Huzzahs, eh?
I'd also like to point out it was nice to see Cali and Ortiz pitch so well out of the pen. It's always cool to see people step up in the face of injuries. Keep it up guys.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
First, you get no run support. Then, after two bad starts, you get no love - never mind the fact that in your first three loses you gave up a grand total of five runs for a whopping two wins because the offense was offensive only to fans and to your W-L column.
Never mind the fact that youre ERA is WTFD from last year at this point.
Well, Carlos, I never lost faith in you and your sinker (well, not this season). Hell, I made this image three weeks ago, knowing that as long as our guys could score some runs, I'd be able to put it up sooner rather than later.
In closing, for two measly runs in 7 1/3 innings, for going deep into a game where we needed to rest our bullpen, and for a 3/1 K/BB ratio, you are the MotH.
By the way, Mr. Nathan - I'm glad you took my advice from the last column.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
And one more thing. Mr. Nathan, I'm talking to you, sir:
Stop it, sir. Just STOP it.
This thing you do of letting two baserunners on in the ninth of a one/two run game before striking out the last base runner? Stop it.
Go back to sitting them bitches down, please.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
8 1/3 innings, two runs. Damn good show. Welcome back - and I hope you left Nutty at Rodchester, young man.
However, I have to give Torii Hunter something for the 18th an 19th, since he was so f'n awesome. I think I'll give him the Land O' Lakes Butter Smooveness award for Mid-May 2007.
May 20 - So close to a sweep. And more bullpen injuries. It would be a metaphor for my diet/exercise regiment, if I could make any connection whatsoever.
May 21 - Ouch. That really, really hurt. Dear Herb Carneal in Heaven did that suck. Moving on...
May 22 - Johan. Wow. One run, 13 bitches sat down. Excellent game. But I'm afraid Morneau-Bee was strong with the Force in this one, to the tune of two dingers in the key of five runs. So he's the Man of the Hour. You'll have to settle for...
...the hell with it. Two men of the hour. Keep it up boys.
May 23 - So Morneau is keeping it up. Excellent. Another home run, putting him at 2nd place in the AL. And Tyner - yes, Jason Renyt Tyner - driving in the tying run and scoring the go-ahead on a wild pitch. Welcome to MotH, Mr. Lazyparents Middlename.
Random thought - Is Pat Neshek even human? A 1.29 ERA and a friggin' .86 WHIP?
And last, but not least - Bat-Girl, it's been a hell of a time reading your blog for the last two years. I will miss it like hell. And please, enjoy the hell out of Baby Dash. And your novels. And the Twins.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Five 1-2-3 innings? Check.
One run (that a almost-turned double play damn near prevented) through seven innings? Check.
Eleven strikeouts to one walk? Check.
Silly name? Check.
You, sir, were on fire yesterday. So it's only logical to make you the Man of the Hour.
Torii was a close second with his grand slam, mind you; but on two of the last three days it wouldn't have been enough for the win. Sometimes it takes more than a pretty swing to get the MotH.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
The bad - Yet another infield error.
The ugly - Our pitching stunk the place up to high heaven - maybe even the Larimore hog farm, which smells bad enough without added more putrid odors to the mix.
Monday, May 14, 2007
You see, the ESPN announcers were all gathered near the Twins' dugout, giggling at the half-dozen pick bats they saw.
"Tee-Hee! Those bats are pink!" giggled Joe Morgan.
"Yeah!" said Jon Miller, in between bites of a tasty Taco Bell steak quesadilla. "These guys are a bunch of girls!"
"C'mon, guys," smiled Torii Hunter. "We're using these bats for a good cause, to raise awareness and money for the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation."
"Ha ha! Ha ha ha! You said breast!" bellowed Peter Gammons.
"Hey now, guys. Breast cancer is a serious issue."
"That's right," added Michael Cuddyer. "We need to find a cure for one of the most dangerous diseases facing women. The more money raised to go towards research, the better the odds these women will face, and the sooner it will be when we find a cure."
"I don't see what's so funny, you immature morons," chimed in Mike Redmond. "It's the third most common cause of cancer-related deaths in this country. Women face a one in eight chance of developing the disease, and a one in thirty-three chance in dying from it."
"Ok, Ok, we're sorry. But pink bats? C'mon, guys - don't you think it's a little girly?" said Joe Morgan, Asshat.
"Girly? GIRLY?" Yelled Redmond. "What the hell is this - third grade? Get outta my chiseled, manly face before this pink bat is wrapped around your skulls!"
With that, the ESPN crew ran away. A moment of silence followed.
"You know, guys - we kind of have been hitting like girls, lately," said Torii.
"Yeah, I know. It pisses me off." said Redmond. "Those guys piss me off to. I'm so mad, I could hit my first home run since 2005!"
"Yeah! I'm so pissed off I could hit my third home run this season!" Yelled Cuddyer.
"I know I don't look like it, because I'm so smooth, but I'm pissed off too. In fact, this pretty, pretty man is so pissed off I could hit TWO home runs tonight!" said Torii, in his smooth, velvetty voice.
"So could I!" said Little Nicky Punto, causing laughter from the three.
"Well I could," he pouted.
"Tell you what, kid," Torii said soothingly, roughing up Punto's hair. "Just get your ass on base. Let us worry about the home runs."
The above statistics about breast cancer are true. I urge any of you with the monetary means to either donate to the Susan G. Komen for the Cure (linked above), or the American Cancer Society.
And once again, there is no doubt as to whom this honor belongs.
Two home runs? Check. Two-run double? Check. Seven - smell 'em, SEVEN - RBI's? Check.
Hot damn that's some Pretty Hittin' Torii. Hot damn indeed.
The only thing that sucks about this? No more Sidney Ponson's Diary, courtest of Donnalove at bat-girl.com.
I know I'm a few days late, but welcome back Lew Ford, Jedi Knight. Here's a link to a song I know you'll enjoy, so long as it's not at work, in the earshot of children, or around anyone with a dislike of superfluous F-bomb's (not of the Liriano variety). Click on the link, then click on the song "Lew." Oh yeah, there's also a picture of Pat with the Nathanist of Joes, who, rumor has it, is kind of a big deal.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
The Twins COULD have won this game, but instead they lost, and left me with a bad taste in my mouth, one that's familiar with skunky beer. Oh, wait - that taste is skunky beer. I forgot to read the "Born on" date.
As to why Ortiz gave up four runs in the first, I think it was intentional. Really. I think the Twins plan was to spot the bitch sox a big, early lead, have a few ass-bats to lull them into a false sense of security and confidence. Hell, it worked last night, right? Problem is, tonight they gave the bitch sox TOO MUCH confidence - I mean hell, no hits through four innings will give anyone confidence. And instead of folding like a cheap pair of bitch sox, they only almost folded like a cheap pair of bitch sox. Stupid bitch sox.
Of course, it didn't help that they forgot to do the thing you need to do to win ball games. Namely, HIT THE DAMN BALL WITH RUNNERS IN SCORING POSITION. Like, alot.
Oh well, I'm off work Thursday. So it looks like I'll have a full afternoon of skunky beer and yelling at/with the TV. Go twins.
I remember it like it was two days ago. The Twins were down, 4-1, in the eighth inning, seemingly lost to the dispair of another humbling defeat. Where were the Piranah's teeth, I asked myself, before wondering where I should put the question mark in this sentence?
Then, it happened. The crafty, cranky veteran known as Mike Redmond hit an infield single - and remained unscathed himself over the course of the game, for once.
Little Nicky Punto, full of love, life, song, and cheer, got to the plate and said to himself, "I'm gonna hit this ball as hard as I can!" And he did - he mustered up all of his tiny muscles' strength and hit a single to center field.
Next up was Jason Bartlett, who apparently has remembered that he knows how to hit a baseball. "Who are we?" he shouted, as he hit an RBI double to deep right, that would have scored Little Nicky Punto if his legs weren't so, y'know, little.
"We're the f'n Piranahs!" shouted Luis Castillo, who grounded out to third, but more importantly, got Little Nicky home safely so his mommy could tuck him in.
Kubel was so excited by the two - yes, TWO run inning, that he struck out.
"I ain't no damn piranah," said Torii Hunter, "but I AM damn pretty," and then he delivered a pretty single to center field which scored Bartlett, and tied the game.
Bartlett almost won the game in the ninth, by almost getting an RBI hit, that almost (well, not almost) wasn't caught by those damn bitch sox. Stupid bitch sox.
And then, in the tenth, after two innings of bitch sox batters grounding the fudge out, Luis Castillo got himself a double. He would've grounded out to third, but their wasn't anyone to drive home, so what's the point, he thought.
Kubel was so excited by the extra base hit, he struck out again.
Torii Hunter was then intentionally walked to put a runner on first for a potential double play. As Torii walked his pretty self intentionally to first base, he knew there would be no double play, because when Cuddy goes out, he goes out in style by hitting a foul fly ball near first base - no ground ball bullcrap here.
And that's when Justin Morneau got sick of this extra innings crap (both the game he was playing in and the blackout restrictions from those boneheads at Bud Selig's office), and decided to end things dramatically by hitting the baseball approximately 9,000 feet (15,000 metric feet) into the upper deck of a passing Airbus.
"I'm no piranah!" he yelled, smiling as he rounded the bases, "I'm a Great White North Shark!"
At home plate, Little Nicky Punto held his arm as high as he could to pat Justin on the butt. "How about we call you a Piran'eh'?"
"No," said Justin. "That sounds stupid."
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
With a solo shot in the 2nd to put the Twins on the board, and a walk-off three-run dinger to the upper deck to win the game, YOU, Justin Morneau (heretofore known as Obi-Wan Morneau-Bee) are the first Man of the Hour.
It's just about those plucky piranahs from the plains, the Minnesota Twins. And an excuse for me to write (what I hope are) humorous columns about them, to give you added cheer when they win, and a chuckle when they lose. Kinda like Bat-Girl. Or Pulling a Blylevin.
I will decide the Man of the Hour. The guy that you'd buy a beer for after a win and regale with stories about how your pee-wee T-Ball team would've taken state if your stupid coach hat let you bat instead of his kid.
And just to get things started, my favorite picture of a Nick Punto slide-to-be: