Monday, May 14, 2007

Real Men Like Pink.

Pink bats, that is.

You see, the ESPN announcers were all gathered near the Twins' dugout, giggling at the half-dozen pick bats they saw.

"Tee-Hee! Those bats are pink!" giggled Joe Morgan.

"Yeah!" said Jon Miller, in between bites of a tasty Taco Bell steak quesadilla. "These guys are a bunch of girls!"

"C'mon, guys," smiled Torii Hunter. "We're using these bats for a good cause, to raise awareness and money for the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation."

"Ha ha! Ha ha ha! You said breast!" bellowed Peter Gammons.

"Hey now, guys. Breast cancer is a serious issue."

"That's right," added Michael Cuddyer. "We need to find a cure for one of the most dangerous diseases facing women. The more money raised to go towards research, the better the odds these women will face, and the sooner it will be when we find a cure."

"I don't see what's so funny, you immature morons," chimed in Mike Redmond. "It's the third most common cause of cancer-related deaths in this country. Women face a one in eight chance of developing the disease, and a one in thirty-three chance in dying from it."

"Ok, Ok, we're sorry. But pink bats? C'mon, guys - don't you think it's a little girly?" said Joe Morgan, Asshat.

"Girly? GIRLY?" Yelled Redmond. "What the hell is this - third grade? Get outta my chiseled, manly face before this pink bat is wrapped around your skulls!"

With that, the ESPN crew ran away. A moment of silence followed.

"You know, guys - we kind of have been hitting like girls, lately," said Torii.

"Yeah, I know. It pisses me off." said Redmond. "Those guys piss me off to. I'm so mad, I could hit my first home run since 2005!"

"Yeah! I'm so pissed off I could hit my third home run this season!" Yelled Cuddyer.

"I know I don't look like it, because I'm so smooth, but I'm pissed off too. In fact, this pretty, pretty man is so pissed off I could hit TWO home runs tonight!" said Torii, in his smooth, velvetty voice.

"So could I!" said Little Nicky Punto, causing laughter from the three.

"Well I could," he pouted.

"Tell you what, kid," Torii said soothingly, roughing up Punto's hair. "Just get your ass on base. Let us worry about the home runs."

The above statistics about breast cancer are true. I urge any of you with the monetary means to either donate to the Susan G. Komen for the Cure (linked above), or the American Cancer Society.

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