Angryscott's Habberdashery and Twins Blog

HE'S ON FIRE!

2010-04-27T23:59:00.000-07:00

You didn't think I'd forget about the ol' NBA Jam thing, didja?

Didja?

Well I didjin't, err, didn't.

Now, as if there was any doubt as to our MotH. 8 innings. No runs. Four hits vs Ten - TEN - Strikeouts. And nothing but complete and total domination as we dropped an F-bomb on them Motor City Kitties:

Why yes, it's a pitching performance so awesome it deserves not one, but TWO photochoppings.

Does anyone else remember 2006?

Isn't it a great day to be a Twins Fan?

I'm not in the mood to be funny today.

2010-04-25T23:59:00.000-07:00

Boys, boys, boys...when you load the bases yet don't score a friggin' run in both the 8th and 9th innings against the Royals - the ROYALS - I don't know what to say.

Except, no brooms. Again.

All I can say is, we won the series. We're in first place. We have a three game series coming up in Detroit, the team we beat in the one game playoff last season, with F-Bomb Liriano on the mound in game one.

Well, when you put it that way, Scott, you actaully make me pretty damn happy, gut-wrenching loss be damned.

I just hope J.J. Hardy can solve "The Case of the Missing Broom" before too long.

Isn't it a great day to be a Twins Fan, everybody?

Sometimes, it's not HOW many hits you have in a game...

2010-04-25T02:32:00.000-07:00

...but WHEN you get them.

Man. Deep, I am not.

What a wacky, wild, strange, unruly, bizarre, and loooooong game.

I'm not happy it ended on a disputed call, either. Because that usually means the losing team is pissed off and is gonna come back with a vengence the next time out.

But anyway, the MotH is easy - Denard Span singled in the winning run in the 12th inning. And what does he get for his effort? This.

I'm sorry, Denard. But it's late, I'm tired, and I can't help but use an old Yearbook Photo on this blog when I find one.

Damn, I should have photoshopped a little Alligator on that shirt.

Next time, Denard...next time.

When your team needs to bounce back from an awful loss...

2010-04-23T23:59:00.000-07:00

...try Kansas City Royals! Relief for an offensive shutdown since 1999 (except for the 2004. Or was it 2003? I'm to lazy to look it up).

Well, Pavano was, by all accounts, On Point throughout the game. And two earned runs through seven innings (off of four hits, no walks, and five K's) is a solid line. Solid enough to be the MotH? Why the hell not?

Why yes, Carl. It IS Hammertime!

Speaking of hammering things, Jim Thome hammered that ball in the 5th inning a long ways. He also drove in two runs on a ninth inning double, for a total of 3 RBI. Co-MotH honors? You betcha red rider!

Yes, it's a "Jim Thomer Hanky." Yes, I realise it's a horrible pun. No, I don't care.

Well, we can get our fifth series win tomorrow. So let's get our fifth series win tomorrow, and remember, kids - don't drink and try to come up with a nickname for Jim Thome on your Twin's blog.

Sweep? What is this "sweep" youspeak of?

2010-04-22T23:58:00.000-07:00

Man, that was stanky. S-T-A-N-K-Y. Like, St. Anky Beer stanky. Like, my socks after ten hours of hustling pancakes stanky.

Plain ol' stanky.

Super Sleuth J.J. Hardy is taking the day off; there is no mystery here. That stanky smell is eminating from the Twin's ass-bats (ass-bats are like at bats, except they suck, produce no offense, and are 100%, pure as mother's milk, USDA choice stanky).

But, on the flip side, we won the series. Again. Which makes 5 in a row. And a 11-5 record that isn't at all stanky.

But this game? Man, that stank is stanky.

Anyone remember that super-awesome game "NBA JAM?"

2010-04-21T23:08:00.000-07:00

I do. In fact, I play it on my SNES emulator once in awhile.

"But Angryscott," you might be asking, "What does an old-school video game have to do with a Twins Baseball Blog?"

Well, gentle readers, it goes a little something like this:

If your player made three shots in a row (with no baskets by the opposing team), you were "On Fire." You're basketball would literally leave a trail of smoke and flame behind it. It was awesome.

After the second uncontested basket, you're player was merely "heating up" en route to being on fire. The ball wouldn't be aflame, but it would smoulder and give off puffs of smoke.

Which brings me to my point:

He's heating up.

8 shut-out innings? That, m'boy, gives you you're second straight MotH (second straight meaning his last two consecutive starts). One more, and you'll be on fire.

Well, not literally. Figuratively.

Anyway, you were a sight to behold. And like Glen did last night, you gave our bullpen some good rest.

As for you, Jesse Crain? I'm quite alright with you giving up a hit in the ninth, because that hit didn't turn into a run. Good show, sir. Keep it up too.

And the boys were 3-4 with RisP last night. Good. I was afraid I was going to have to do a photo mash-up of the guys running away from some Rice RispY cereal or something.

Which I might go do now anyways, since that sounds fun and silly.

Anyhow, that's a sixth straight series win for us. If Baker stays true to form, we might be able to pull out them brooms tomorrow afternoon.

It's a good day to be a Twins fan!

Why yes Ms. Juniper, it is easy as I make it look...

2010-04-20T23:48:00.000-07:00

Said our Man of the Hour, with a sly smile, in between sips of Sweet Tea.

Yeah...about that. No, no it's not, Kevin. It's NOT easy to throw eight innings of five hit, one-run ball. Ever. In fact, it's pretty damn hard. Not very many people can do it.

You did, though, so you are our MotH:

With Pat "Wonky-Robot-Sidearm WAITHE'SGONNATHROWOVERHAND nope he's throwing submarine" Neshek's cyborg implant in for servicing, you need to rest the bullpen. You did just that. And it was awesome.

Well, tomorrow we can win our 5th series in a row. That would be stellar. So, you know...umm...let's do just that.

Oh, and Kevin - easy on the sweet tea. We don't need another Mijares on the pitching staff.

GO TWINS!

U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi...

2010-04-18T23:29:00.000-07:00

...that was UGLY.

Bases loaded for the Twins - twice - late in the game, and what happens? Thome and Morneau strike out to end the innings.

I swear, we left as many people on base as Glenn Beck has functioning brain cells (actually, we had 11 team LOB, so even more!). Combine that with a lovely 3-10 with RiSP, and you're gonna lose. A lot. Even to the Royals.

THE ROYALS!

What do you think is gonna happen when we start playing GOOD teams and have ass-bats (RIP Bat-Girls's Blog) instead of at bats like that?

And Mr. Pavano, sir? I know you got knocked around today, but your previous starts were pretty stellar. Let's revert to that form, OK?

And Jesse? Jesse Crain? Stop the bleeding. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, work on your mechanics with Rick "Best Damn Pitching Coach Period" Anderson and be the dominant bad-ass we all know you can be. I like you, I do. Maybe it's the goatee, maybe it's the flashes of brilliance, maybe it's both of those combined with your tenure in the bullpen. Maybe it's the fact that Jesse Crain just sounds like a bad-ass name, the kinda guy you'd want riding behind you on a wide-glide Harley through Post-Apocalyptic America:

"Crain, take him out!"
"Jesse, find him and deal with him!"
"Don't you die on me, Jesse Crain! Dyin's not on the menu!"

OK, I'm done with cheesy 80's action flick cliche dialogue.

And you know what? I really shouldn't complain. Every team is going to have off days like this. And The Twins are still 9 and 4. Four straight series victories to open the season, the best since 2002. And considering how our boys usually get better as the season progresses, I can only imagine how much ass they're gonna kick over the coming months.

It's a good time to be a Twins fan, an occasional ugly loss or not.

Go Twins!

Two hell with it.

2010-04-17T18:31:00.000-07:00

I was hoping to only have one MotH award today. It seems like I've been dishing 'em out like digital candy. So I told myself, "Ok, self - only one MotH today. Them's the rules."

Yeah, well - Rules are made to be broken. By rebels. And I'm a rebel. Not a rogue, though - they tend to be ill-informed, stupid, and full of horses**t.

But I digress. On to the awards:

First up is our new second baseman, Orlando "Florida, up North to" Hudson "Bay."

Which is about as far as he smashed that baseball in the seventh inning. Damn.

The other MotH? Mr. "Dead Man Walking," John Rauch.

Why? Because every save he collects makes the season-long loss of Joe Nathan hurt a little less. I figure I'll keep giving him encouragement as long as he keeps giving the team saves. That, and he's a big fella, and I don't want to piss him off.

OK, well, we won the series today, but let's go for the series sweep tomorrow so we can break out those brooms.

GO TWINS!

7 IP + 0 BB + 2 ER + 6 SO = MotH.

2010-04-16T23:02:00.000-07:00

Ok, so that's not a real equation. I don't care. All I care about is that Scott Baker threw one hell of a ball game, going seven strong innings (and he could have gone an eighth, based on the pitch count, had Gardy allowed). Any time he can do that, we're all but guaranteed a win. So, Mr. Baker, you get yet another MotH award to place on your (virtual) fireplace:

Of course, run support never hurts a starting pitchers performance. Especially against Cy Young Winning opposing pitchers. So a second MotH (it's becoming a damned theme this season) to the man who got us on the board early in the ballgame with a 2-run double (and ended the day with 3 RBI), Michael Cuddyer:

So tomorrow we have game 2 of the three game set. As much as I want to sweep the damn Royals, I'll be happy with a series victory. So, rest up boys, and GO TWINS!

Believe it or not, I'm starting at third...

2010-04-15T14:37:00.001-07:00

Yes, the headlines means that Lil' Nicky Punto is our (co)Man of the Hour:

Three hits, two runs scored (one on a great little bit of baserunning to boot) plus his usual defensive greatness? Nick contributed in no small way (get it?) to the win today. And his co-MotH, thanks to 7 innings of 4 hit, no run starting pitching? Francisco Liriano.

You were En Fuego today young man. It was awesome to behold. Keep it up, youngster. And don't rob any banks on the Sabbath.

First series win at the New Stadium (Field - Ed) is in the books. Bring on the royals, and Go Twins!

Blame it on the rain

2010-04-14T22:48:00.000-07:00

Jesse Crain was sitting alone in the clubhouse, his head hanging down to his knees, because he'd been a bad bad boy and gotten a certain blog writer convinced he was over this kind of nonsense.

Elsewhere in the clubhouse, the rest of the team was scratching their heads, wondering what went wrong.

"I think things really went downhill when the roof started leaking," Lil' Nicky Punto said.

"Yeah. That was a lot of water coming through. Maybe a different company should have built the new roof," agreed a dejected, sad Jason Kubel.

"Yeah. I mean, I like the fact they painted the ceiling to look like the sky so we don't have trouble tracking fly balls, but it's a brand new stadium. The roof shouldn't leak."

"It's a field," corrected Ron Gardenhire, "A field. And it doesn't have a roof. That stuff falling on you is called rain, guys."

"No, no, no," laughed future hall of famer and 2010 People's Sexiest Man Alive Joe Mauer. "Rain happens OUTside, we were INside, playing baseball."

Gardy drew a deep, heavy sigh, before opening a bag of the official sunflower seeds for the Target Field Clubhouse After A Loss to Boston. He looked over at Scotty Ullger, and with a nod, prompted him to talk.

"Guys," Ullger said, "Target Field doesn't have a roof that's painted to look like the sky. That is the sky you're seeing."

"Well even if it is glass or some futuristic thing like Transparent Aluminum, it's still really leaky, Pat Neshek interupted, while technicians checked over his wonky robot throwing arm.

"It doesn't have a roof, guys! It's the sky up there! The stadium-"

"Field," Grady corrected.

"The field has four walls and no roof. No top. No tiles, no tarp, no glass, no transparent aluminum. Nothing. Nada."

"Well that's just silly," said Justin Morneau. "Who forgot to build the roof and why did we let them get away with it?"

"No one forgot," Ullger moaned, clearly tired of this conversation. "The building was desinged that way. Didn't any of you see any of the commercials for OUTDOOR BASEBALL'S RETURN TO MINNESOTA?"

"Oh," said J.J. Hardy. "So that's what that was all about. Mystery solved! Here we were worrying that the roof was going to collapse, when if fact, there IS no roof to collapse. That's why we lost. Mystery solved!"

Ullger and Gardy surveyed the locker room for a minute, silent snd stoic, the anger etched clearly in their eyes. Finally, they turned and walked out silently, leaving the boys to talk amongst themselves.

"Hey," said Neshek to John Rauch, "What's the deal with Crain over there, all by himself?"

"Oh, he pissed of some no-name blogger in North Dakota who posted a snarky remark about today's performance online."

"He's that upset about it?"

"Jesse's a very sensitive man."

"I guess so. Maybe if I flip him off it will lighten the mood?"

And a fine home opener it was indeed!

2010-04-13T00:09:00.000-07:00

That's a great way to break in the joint, boys. Excellent work.

A 5-2 win over The Boston Red Sox? check.
A six inning, one run start from Carl Pavano? you bet.
Timely hitting leading to runs? Damn straight.
A dinger in later innings for some extra comfort? Why thank you.
A balmy 65 degree day for a baseball game, in April, in Minnesota? How nice.

As for the Man of the Hour, well, there's two again. It's almost becoming a trend.

First up is the local boy done good for his family and friends, and justly rewarded with a gigantic contract that keeps him here for the rest of his career as it was meant to be, Joe Mauer:

Wy this picture, and why no photoshoppiness? Well, Joe is relaxed here, taking it easy, the way he makes the game look so damn easy because he's so damn good at it. And I don't photoshop any pictures of Joe because I need something for my lady readers to enjoy. And they do enjoy oggling Joe. As is witnessed by this young lady:

Well said, MW. Well said.

Anywho, Joe had a great day - 3 for 5 with two doubles and two RBI's.

Our co-MotH is a man who also had 3 hits, and two RBIs - the second one being the aforementioned 7th inning tater to give our boys a 3 run lead. Jason Kubel:

Well, no blog tomorrow...day off...and then the boys are back on Wednesday for a 12:05pm game that I get to watch before work! Let's hope it's a good one, so that I walk in with a big smile on my face.

Go Twins!

It's all part of the plan.

2010-04-11T23:19:00.000-07:00

The boys were hanging in the cramped, smelly, ugly, moldy, sub-par visitors club house in US Cellular field after the game, with looks that were a mix of tired, angry, and sad on their faces. They'd just lost the chance to break out the brooms on those hated Bitch Sox and go to their home opener in their brand-spankin' new Target Field with a record of 6-1. J.J. Hardy stop up, somewhat investigatively, when Scotty Ullger walked near his spot on the bench.

"Scotty," he said, his eyes studying his quary for any clues. "Why did you wave me home when the relay throw was so close to the infield? We had a chance to win, but you sent me home and I got tagged out. I don't get it...it's a mystery."

"Yeah," chimed in Little Nicky Punto, all five-foot nothin' of spunk that he is. "I don't get it either, We would've had the tying run at third and the winning run at second with me - hard hittin', hard livin' Nicky they call me, at the plate. I'da smacked that ball, I'da clubbed it, I'da murdalized it, if only you'd let me at it."

"Stop trying to sound tough," Jim Thome, Brand New Twin but Crafty Old Veteran added, scruffing the top of Nicky's head. "Let me ask you guys something. What would have happened had we won the game?"

"We'd have swept are most hated of opponents," offered Joe Mauer.
"We'd have walked into our Brand Spankin' New ballpark with a six and one record," added Justin Morneau.

"We would have felt invincible," said Michael "DJ Cuddles" Cuddyer. "Our first series win in Anaheim since 2-double ought-2, a sweep of those south-side bad boys - we would have been on top of the world."

"Right," interjected the Former Prime Minister of Lower Saxony, Jason Kubel. "We'd have been building a dream together, standing strong forever..." he stopped and trailed off before anyone realized he was quoting Jefferson Starship. He couldn't help it, though - he'd just watched the movie Mannequin on TBS last night.

"OK then. We'd have been on top of the world, full of swagger, feeling invincible, and come to the first game at our new stadium-"

"Field," interrupted Manager Ron Gardenhire, before leaving to buy Kenny's Candy Licorice at his neighborhood True Value Hardware store. "It's a field."

"Right, field." Thome drew a breath and continued. "So we'd come to the first game at our new field, full of ourselves, thinking we have it made, and then we have to play the Boston Red Sox. Who, as you know, are a pretty damn good baseball team."

"Whaddarya gettin' at?" snarled Little Nicky Punto, still trying to sound tough, but sounding like Scrappy Doo.

"Scotty Ullger here knows that if we walk into that game thinking we're unbeatable, the Red Sox would clean our clock. Instead, we're gonna walk in their pissed off, with a sour taste in our mouth, ready to unload at whatever team crosses our path."

"So you're saying," J.J. Hardy deduced, "that he intentionally lost this game so we'd be pissed off at win our home opener?"

"Not just our home opener, our home opener at our brand spankin' new field."

"Field," interrupted Ron Gardenhire, before leaving to record a radio commercial with his wife. "It's a field."

"That's...that's brilliant!" exclaimed Joe Mauer.

"It's magical thinking!" replied Michael Cuddyer.

"It's not how we do it in Canada," said Justin Morneau. "Which is probably why the Expo's moved to Washington."

"Good thinking!" squeaked Scotty Baker.

"Well, that takes the sting out of this loss!" smiled a suddenly much happier Nick Blackburn.

"It's crazy!" shouted Ron Gardenhire, before leaving to film a commercial for the Official Concrete Finishing Company of The Twins Radio Network.

"So crazy...it just might work," he added, with a smirk.

"Actually," Scotty Ullger said, finally getting a word in edge wise, "It's because the shortstop wasn't in position to be the cut-off man, and I've never seen a third baseman take the position of relay man and make the throw home."

"That's a hell of an official story," said Ron Gardenhire, as he washed his face with the official antibacterial soap of The Minnesota Twins locker room. "That's exactly what I'm going to tell the press, too."

"You're really smart, Scotty," said J.J. Hardy, patting his shoulder. "Mystery solved!"

I have a fever...

2010-04-10T12:43:00.000-07:00

Guys, I was willing to overlook the no runs with loaded bases and nobody out yesterday. YESTERDAY.

NOT TODAY.

You know as well as I do (well, probably better, since I don't play baseball. In fact, if you see me running, wait five seconds and shoot the bear*) that when you load the bases with no outs and fail to score in back-to-back games, you're more than likely to lose one or both games. Discipline, boys - discipline. OK, now I'm gonna go drink some Mountain Dew and eat Ruffles, after we get to the good stuff:

The two run dinger in the 7th for the winning -and only - Twins runs scored in yet another victory (as well as that double earlier in the game) makes you the automatic MotH, former Prime Minister of Lower Saxony.

Here's a link if you're wondering what I'm talking about. History is important, yo.

His co-MotH is Scott Baker. One run in 7 innings is pretty damn awesome, and a nice bounce-back from the game one jibblies you suffered from. I like it. So here's your reward, Scotty:

And a close runner-up to both Jesse Crain and John Rauch. I can't tell you how nice it is to see Jesse regain his old form of being completely awesome, and how nice it is to see Rauch step into the closer role and be effective, what with the loss of Nathan for the year. But without Scotty's most excellent effort and Kubel's dinger, it would have been for naught.

Also, I have to add this - six innings with no errors is awesome. Keep. It. Up.

See you tomorrow for series notes, peoples.

*That joke is stolen blatantly from my friend and former stand-up buddy Evan Nelson. Since he's a Twins fan, I hope he doesn't mind.

So many missed opportunies, so many men stranded on base...

2010-04-09T22:33:00.000-07:00

...but we won, so it's all gravy, baby.

Not only did we win, we won WITHOUT a long ball. We won like we won most of the games in Gardy's tenure - stringing together some timely hits and plate patience leading to walks; effective, if somewhat ugly, starting pitching followed by bullpen excellence; and by capitalizing on the other teams errors. In short, we went into ChiTown and dropped some Piranha on 'em. Which is fitting, since Ozzie gave us the nickname.

It wasn't a pretty game, that's for sure. Bases loaded and no outs in the first? That should usually lead to some runs. But not tonight. Generally, you don't win when you strand 13 men on base. But we worked around it, and J.J. Hardy got the hit we needed to with Mauer on 3rd base in the 11th. Which makes J.J. tonight's MotH:

And yes, "The Baseball Card Conspiracy" is an actual Hardy Boy's adventure. Google it if you don't believe me.

I'll see you after work tomorrow, and GO TWINS!

Rally 'round the starters, with a pocket full of K's.

2010-04-08T22:34:00.000-07:00

Bull(pen) on Parade - one run allowed in the last three games of the series? I can dig the stingy.

I really hope that doesn't turn into a catchphrase around these parts.

And yes, I know the first game of this series was ugly in the later innings. I'm glad the boys got it out of their system, however, because the next three games were awesome. Piranhas? No. We're talking James Cameron designed, CGI-enhanced, flying - out of the ballpark that is - and devouring anything in their path. Piranha 2, baby. Only without the screaming bikini models.

If you'd have told me the Twins would only have driven in one run via base hit and two via sacrifice fly versus the Angels at Anaheim (where the Twins haven't one a series since 2002), yet come away with a 3-1 record, I would have been highly dubious at best. I probably would've snorted derisively and said, "Oh yeah? What are they gonna do, hit 9 home runs for 19 RBI?"

Which, I'm glad I didn't, because my brain would've exploded from the coincidence once the series ended.

And other than some early inning hiccups from Scott Baker, the starting pitching was pretty damn good, too. Especially Pavano (7 IP, 1 earned). Slowey managed to get himself out of some ugly jams tonight, so I'm willing to overlook his short 5 1/3 innings pitched.

Okay, on to the MotH (Men of the Hour, for those of you who've never read this blog, which I imagine is quite a few since I haven't updated in TWO FRIGGIN' YEARS):

Game 1:
There is no MotH. There is only a MotH when the Twins win. It's a little more incentive for the guys to give 110%, even though they don't read this blog.

Game 2:
I was tempted to go with Blackburn for 6.2 solid innings of one run ball - when your starting pitcher is that good, it takes a lot of pressure off the offense, which generally leads to better run production. But I'm not going with Nick. Sorry, the funny Pirate photomash will have to wait for another day.

I was also tempted to go with Justin Morneau, who's solo shot was the fourth (and winning) run of the game. But alas, the Star Wars photo mashup will have to wait for another day.

Instead, I'm going with John Rauch for closing this bitch out with a perfect ninth inning. Sure, it's only one game, but it was nice to see him step into the closer role and do a bang-up job. So you, John Rauch, are the Man of the Hour for Tuesday, April 6:

Yes, that's The Undertaker. Both guys are tall, like tattoos, and are the sort of chap you'd want to have your back in a bar fight.

So, for Game 3 of the four game series, who is the Man of the Hour?
There's actually two of 'em. It's my blog, I can do that.

First up, the man who hit a two-run dinger that gave the Twins the early lead, Justin ObiWan-Morneau-Bi:

And second is the starting pitcher who gave up one run in 7 innings, "Dancing" Carl Pavano:

Don't look at me like that. I can't be the only person who noticed his wind-up looks like the Hammer Dance.

Honorable mention goes to J.J. Hardy, who hit his second tater in as many games. If anyone has a favorite Hardy Boys novel cover, post a link to it in the comments section.

And for Thursday Night's Game? Man, it's a tough one. I was this close to going with Slowey, since he did only allow one run, but I don't know if he pitched long enough into the game to deserve it. Know what? It's his first game back after surgery in July of last year, so he does:

No photomashing needed - that picture is goofy enough. Although maybe I could add a porch swing and some sweet tea.

Honorable mention goes to Jim Thome. Damn, sir, that was one helluva shot. Keep it up and I'll have to make a tHomer Hankey reference.

I really hope that doesn't catch on.

Alright, then - the first series of the season was a smashing success. Bring on them Bitch Sox!

What time is it? It's Valentimes!

2008-03-31T19:11:00.001-07:00

Er, I mean it's time to blog through another season of Twins Baseball.

Well, we got the season started off on the right foot. Seven innings from the starter, followed by the NnN boys with two scoreless innings. Three stolen bases setting up two of the three runs scored.

Unfortunately, we also saw a few of last years schenanigans. Only two extra base hits, both doubles, out of ten hits total. Lots of outs with RISP. Nine men left on base.

But we got the win against an Angel's team that added weapons to the 4th best offense in the AL last year - including their new superstar center fielder (who went 0-fer-4).

So, today we have two MotH, and it's both their first time winning the least coveted award in baseball. Because it's their first regular season game as Twins.

For seven innings pitched (6 of them pitched well), 2 earned runs. and being the calm, collected veteran on opening day Gardy wanted you to be, I present te MotH to Livan "On the Edge" Hernandez*:

*Pulling a Blylevin already coined Livan on a Prayer, so Ihad to go with the second-most-obvious song, sung by Aerosmith.

The second MotH goes to new center fielder Carlos Gomez. In the lead-off role, Gomez got two hits, stole a base, and scored the first and the third (and winning) run.

No photoshoppiness here; just a high-five for getting the first of what I hope are many wins this season:

Hello again, Mr. J-Bart from J-Town...

2007-08-26T17:19:00.000-07:00

...you seem to have a knack for driving in the winning run the last couple of days. To the tune of your second straight MotH:

Of course, while you're the MotH, Mr. Baker is the DotD, with many congradulations:

At least now people can stop asking Mrs. Baker if she has a bun in the oven.

Oh, and welcome back:

A great four games. And lest we forget:

Take that, song birds incorrectly named after a completely unrelated Old World Bird!

MotH, August 25, 2007

2007-08-26T16:32:00.001-07:00

Holy hell, boys. Great game. Ye Olde Pirate Matt GaRRRza got hi'self in some jams, but managed to escape with minimal damage, and his jolly crew carried the load for the six thru ninth innings.

However, he's not the MotH. Four walks is NOT a MotHworthy performance.

Kudos to Torii for the three-run dinger.

However, even a three-run shot wasn't enough to get the MotH.

Driving in two runs (the second one being the one to win the game, even if no more runs were plated) and making a twisty-turvy-lopsided catch-and-glove-toss-to-LNP for an out (and quite possibly saving a run) all while going four-fer-four is. So, J-Bart from Jasonville, welcome to the MotH.

Well, that was nice.

2007-08-25T17:12:00.000-07:00

Usually twins pitchers lose games they deserve to win, not the other way around.

Better be saying thank you to alot of guys, Santana. But no one more that this guy:

Yes, Jason Kubel, former Prime Minister of Lower Saxony*, is the MotH.

*I know it's a stretch, but damnit, I couldn't think of anything. If any of you readers want to suggest something, let me know. Perhaps a contest of some sort. Name that Kubel!

Besides, why should a guy shy away from a history lesson just because it has nothing to do with baseball, Minnesota, or modern times?

Sometimes it's the little things.

2007-08-23T19:02:00.001-07:00

And by little things, I mean little people.

Why him, you ask, despite Boof's great performance? Well, he had more that one hit (one of them a double), including the first of the eight-innig rally. He scored two of the runs, which were good enough for at least a tie.

Hell, who am I kidding - as much as his offense has sucked this year, the two hits were enough to seal the deal for me.

But I can't forget this guy-

-For going deep in the game and only giving up one run.

2007-08-22T22:57:00.000-07:00

Kudos to Carlos Silvaback for the seven inning two run performance, but it's nice to see that Cuddy's a nature conservationist as well as DJ and magician.

That, and grand slams are an almost automatic MotH.

Normally...

2007-08-19T15:53:00.000-07:00

...when a guy hits a home run that is the winning run, he'd be the MotH.

Normally.

But when your starting pitcher scatters two hits in eight innings amongst 17 - sevenF'Nteen - strikeouts, well, you can't say anything but "Holy poop on a stick, are you ever the MotH."

Yes, that is a photo-mashup of Danny Trejo, star of the upcoming sure to be cult classic "Machete," directed by Robert Rodriguez. A bad-ass pitcher and a bad-ass movie. Pure awesome.

The last three games...

2007-08-17T21:57:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, the endangered Silvaback Gorilla needs help. Sometimes giving up only one run through seven innings isn't enough. Sometimes, it takes a Tiny Superhero to take matters into his own hands and win the damn game, by getting his tiny ass to third and scoring on a wild pitch. So in other words...

As far as the last two against the Mariners...

Back to back MotH. 1st game? 4-fer-4, 3 RBI. 2nd game? Grand Slam. You = win. At least versus the Mariners, who I used to love, before they totally treated the Big Unit like total crap, which is really stupid. And your loss = Minnesota's gain. So take that, you sea fairimg buttholes.

Oh yeah - Garza and Baker? You were awesome too. Twas good to see Baker bake up a one run masterpiece, and GaRRRza pirate a win against the merchant maweiners.

Yeah, my puns suck. Deal with it.

How do you go Oh-fer-a Zillion with RISP and still win?

2007-08-09T16:41:00.001-07:00

You DON'T. For the love of the game, IT'S INFREAKIN' POSSIBLE!

Matt, buddy, awesome game. Too bad your teammates don't realize that a pitcher with no run support is like a pirate with no treasure. You still rocked though, Mr GaRRRza. I can't believe you're one-and-three. Call Bradke, see how he dealt with it.

To those of you who got on base, stole second, drew walks, way to go. But it's all meaningless unless someone drives you across the plate. And no one did. And I bet you're even more frustrated than I am.

Smell 'em? Smell 'em? The only thing I smelled tonight was ass-bats and missed opportunities galore.

Dammit anyway.

Bam! Boom! Whoosh!

2007-08-09T05:35:00.000-07:00

Nineteen hits + Eleven Runs + every starter got a hit (LNP got a DOUBLE! He hit the ball about...a hundred and twenty times his height!) + We gots teh win = 3, yes THREE MotH.

3 hits, a two run homer, and 3 RBI for both these guys:

And four-for-five with a RBI for this gentleman:

Why yes, I agree! A great day for golfing! AND Baseball!

So, how do you follow up an eight inning one run gem?

2007-08-05T17:43:00.000-07:00

Why, with an eight inning, NO run gem.

Complete with Lego-Vision worthy dive for a bunt into a double play (hint hint, Anne!)

So anyway, yeah: Your second consecutive start = your second consecutive MotH. Booyah!

Of course, I can't forget Castilla who drove in the winning - and only (*cough* o'fer'12 CMH *cough*) - run tonight. So, lemme pause this post and go whip something up (NOTE: you will not be subjected to an actual pause, only a simulated pause, as witnessed by the dots below)

.............

Yeah, yeah. Too obvious. Whatever.

4.5 out, bitches!

Welcome Back...

2007-08-04T20:10:00.000-07:00

Saturday, August 8:

Two things stand out to me, looking at this mock-up.

One, I really shouldv'e photochopped some head-phones onto Cuddy back in the day.

Two, Denny's head is HUGE. I don't mean in the picture, either - I mean his noggin is ENORMOUS. That image? Scaled down. I bet that lil' extra weight around his mid-section is just to keep the extra weight up top from adding unwanted movement to his pitches.

But back on topic - driving in two runs, the second the game winner? Hellz yeah Mike's the MotH.

Special mention to our bullpen (crainially endowed or not) for keeping the Racially Insensitive from crossing home plate.

And Garza - 93 pitches in four innings? You'd better wash their feet with your tears of gratitude, young fella.

P.S. - You still deserve better than 1-2 on the year.

P.P.S. - You also pitched out of some hella-jams there, so I guess you can just wash their feet with tap water.

5.5 out, bitches!

MotH for July 31...

2007-07-31T19:22:00.000-07:00

All around a good game. Good starting pitching, good hitting, good capitalization on the opponents mistakes, and GREAT defense.

Especially the back-up catcher that threw out three stolen base attempts.

So, Mike Redmond, Mr. Naked Batting Practice, you get your third MotH. And pants.

Hammerpants!

Oh, and Tweek? Thanks for the spasms there to start the ninth. Buttface.

At least you got the next three batters in a row and the save.

Sadness...

2007-07-31T16:42:00.001-07:00

No more of this man:

Sigh. I really have nothing else to say.

Damn, pt. 2

2007-07-30T23:14:00.000-07:00

Another NON wasted dominant performance by a young pitcher. Joe, you so totally rule for the 3 RBI, but this HAS to go to young Scotty, partially because of his other well-pitched games in which youz guyz didn't give him any run support.

Heh. Heh. Support (you bat-girl fans will get the joke).

Anyway, back to Ba(sics)ker: 8 innings, two hits, one run, one batter over the minimum, and NO WALKS! And Tweek Nathan with a one-two-three for the save.

So enjoy the MotH, Scott Baker:

Aye, be careful not to cross him, ye scurvy scallywags!

2007-07-29T16:10:00.001-07:00

I mean, of course, Matt GaRRRRza.

The terror of the diamond-shaped green seas, sitting on his earthen mound of a crows nest, shooting his cannon through opponents' scoring averages, leading his team to victory over the heinous Captain CheesebuRRRgeRRR Sabathia.

OK, enough pirate lingo. But DAMN. A 1.38 ERA through 26 1/3 innings?

DAMN.

11 strikeouts today?

DAMN.

And thanks to some ass-battiness and an error, he's only 1 and 2 with a no decision.

Not to throw away the rest of this season, because the Tigers and Indians are strugglin' just at the right time to make a surge - AND WE CAN DO IT - but imagine our starting line-up next year with Johan, Matt (if this impressive streak continues), and the Frisco Kid.

DAMN.

Now THAT'S Twins Baseball.

2007-07-28T22:46:00.000-07:00

2 runs (0 runs if it weren't for one pitch) over seven innings by the starter.
2 1-2-3's by the NnN boys.

Small-balling in the winning run on a ground out (by a rookie third baseman in his second MLB game).

Oh, yeah. He (Buscher - ah, a baseball name) woulda been MotH except'n for one little thing.

Hell, Johan woulda been MotH were it not for one little thing (and I don't mean one bad pitch, up but in the zone, that tied the game).

That one little thing?

JASON RENYT TYNER HIT A FRIGGIN' HOME RUN!

So YOU, Mr. FunnyName McLazyParents, Mr. J-Tyne from Jasonville, are the MotH. Savor it like a 352 foot shot to the Twins bullpen. In fact, no funny picture. Just a smile for the ages.

Sigh...

2007-07-17T20:39:00.000-07:00

Yet another wasted performance by a young pitcher against the Tigers. One UNEARNED RUN - thank you J-Bart from Jasonville - in seven innings. Down the tubes because the assbats returned. I'm not angry, I'm just sad. Sad, because we're seven back again but should be five and a half back. Sad, because Joe Mauer took a fastball for strike three looking and never once swung during that at bat. Sad, because J-Bart's five game streak is over. Sad, because ObiWan came about ten feet from tying the game. Sad, because we friggin lost a game we coulda/shoulda/woulda normally won.

But we have two more to make up ground. We have Garza who so far has pitched 13 innings with a 0.00 ERA. The bullpen continues to dominate. We have Johan pitching tommorrow.

I'm about 85% sure I'll be in a better mood this time tommorrow. But for now, I'm just sad.

Break out the brooms...

2007-07-15T14:47:00.000-07:00

Take that, Athletic Supporters Not Named Nutty!

Four straight...a sweep of those damned A's...good times, good times.

As for the MotH, well, it should be obvious - the guy that drove in the winning run in the bottom of the ninth with his third hit of the day. Sorry, Nicky and Luis - Triples rule, but game-ending RBI's are overlords. The Palpatine to your Vader. The Higgins to your Magnum PI. The Axel Foley to your Billy Rosewood.

Now, instead of photoshopping the handsome young lad, I'm gonna just post a picture of him. For the ladies. Because they love the strapping young man.

See you all Tuesday!

MotH for July 14, 2007.

2007-07-14T20:01:00.000-07:00

Neshek and Nathan FTW! Er, FTS! Awesome. But even better than that?

Two RBI's? Driving in the winning run? Music To My Ears. Which, incidentally, shares two initials with Man of the Hour:

Oh, Carlos - I wish Gardy would have let you get the last out of the seventh, so it would remained a 4-1 game. But you went deep, and you got the win, and retired 15 in a friggin' row. So, yeah. Awesome. Carlos Silvaback FTW!

MotH, July 13th.

2007-07-13T23:25:00.000-07:00

3 hits, two RBI's, one run scored, = MotH. Even with Johan being En Fuego.

And once again, different ribby's from different guys, capitalizing on errors, solid starting pitching, solid relief pitching from Neshek and Nathan. Hmm. THe N&N boys? Sounds like the "nnn" boys when spoken, so probably not.

Mmm, that was nice.

2007-07-12T22:55:00.000-07:00

A six-to-two win. Five of our gents with RBI's. Cuddy with four hits. Mauer reaching home twice after two walks. Baker gives up five hits and only two earned runs in six full, and our bullpen pitches 3 innings alowing one walk, no hits, and three K's - two of them by our closer in a nine pitch ninth inning.

So, who is the MotH? Part of me wants to give it to Baker to make up for his one run eight inning loss, but let's face it - four-for-four+a homerun short of hitting for the cycle = MotH for our dead friend:

And I leave you, my dead reader(s?), with this promise: A lot more blogging in the second half of the season. Not that it'll be hard, considering my piss-poor attendance in the first half.

Men of the Hour, June 14th, 2007

2007-06-14T23:32:00.000-07:00

See what you get for driving in the winning run, Michael Redmond?

You get MotH number two, that's what you get.

Now put on some GOSH DARN PANTS!

Now, summya's might be thinking Mr. Santana deserves the award, what with two only earned runs and nine strikeouts through seven innings. And you're right. So, Mr. Supernatural Smooth, you also get to be the MotH. Nice thing about the word man - it's plural form (men) also starts with an "m." Of course, that works for alot of words, but it doesn't make it any less convenient.

How do you spell MotH?

2007-06-14T01:14:00.000-07:00

Why, you spell it "M-o-t-H," naturally. But here's some mathy goodness for you:

9 innings (= rest for our bullpen!) + no walks + new baby = win (= MotH).

Excellent rebound from the previous start. Now think how nice it would be to not need to rebound.

Close seconds to Lew for his first HR of the year.

Sorry I haven't been around much lately - got promoted at work, kinda busy, but it's settling down. As for the previous two games:

June 10 MotH is J-Bart from Jasonville. I hope naming him MotH isn't an error. And Boof? You're a lucky man. Might want to make sure it's still legal to buy gifts for the guys on your own team, though.

June 12 can't be anyone other than Torii. You drive in the first two runs, steal third, then tie the game because of an erronious throw on your steal attempt. Please don't leave us. Ever. Because you'd look sucky in pinstripes. And Slowey? Keep it up, kid.

I am still convinced that Pat Neshek is a robot. But a very advanced robot. Like Data from ST:TNG, only without the jaundice and malfunctioning emotion chip. Luckily, he's a good robot, like Optimus Prime. Sure, he can't turn into a giant-ass robot or a semi (not even a semi-colon!), but I bet Optimus Prime would look really stupid trying to throw that carny-sidearm-waveform-thingamajobbie delivery Neshek has. I hope he has a patent.

I must have jinxed their mojo.

2007-06-09T02:16:00.000-07:00

Over-Praising Carlos Silva.

Salivating at the thought of interleague play.

Well, at least Ramon Or-

-I'm not even gonna finish that thought.

Tommorrow's another day, though, and another game, and I sit in anticipation of-

-baseball?

The Littlest American Hero.

2007-06-07T01:37:00.000-07:00

And so, with the gift given to him by the green guys, Little Nicky Punto earns his first MotH.

That said, we really need to win games not pitch by Slowey. Actually, we need to win games pitched by Slowey and the other guys - especially when the much-maligned Carlos Silva only gives up one run in eight innings. (I know, I already mentioned it, but since everyone hates on him I gotta give him some man-love).

The days in between Slowey's starts, for the most part, sucked. Especially June 4th - man did that blow.

That's OK, though - we have interleague play coming up. And we know what happened last year during interleague play. We kicked ass. So let's do that again.

June 2, 2007

2007-06-02T23:25:00.000-07:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Dear gosh allcensored was that painful. Poor Carlos. I mean, I know it sucks that Bradke's gone, but do you have to torture an endangered species from the mist-mired hills of Africa?

Where the **** is Jane Goodall when you need here?

Thanks for trying, Castillo - I'm not mad at you. The rest of you, though, listen up:

The next time the much maligned Carlos Silva pitches 8 innings, only giving up one run, YOU BETTER WIN THE FREAKIN' GAME!

Well, that was typed, so unless someone read it to you, you probably didn't hear anything. But you get my point.

S'Okay, though. You have a chance to win the series tommorrow, with Johan on the mound. Cleveland lost, so you didn't lose any ground for the division lead (though you did drop a game in the Wild Card, but we Twins Fans say "F" the Wild Card!) and the Bitch Sox lost, so you don't have to look over your shoulders in their direction any more than you may or may not be doing (are pirahnas capable of such neck flexibility?).

Sorry I yelled, guys. Daddy's just tired. Daddy works really hard to afford TV and internet to watch you guys play and gets emotional when he knows you could do better. Tell you what - don't tell mommy, and I'll buy you a pizza.

Slowey's off to a fastey start.

2007-06-02T01:52:00.000-07:00

OK, yeah...that was horrible. But the game kicked ass. Nice to see a new pitcher off to a great start. Let's hope he doesn't Baker himself out.

Neshek continues to be an out-whoring robot of a pitcher.

Nathan went back to being this guy:

But we still won, so I'll forgive him.

This Time...

MotH, May 30, 2007

2007-05-30T13:47:00.000-07:00

Ahh...take a moment...savor it.

Baker sucked today, but our boys found a way to win anyway, even if it involved a ninth inning throwing error that allowed the winning run to walk home. Of course, without this gentleman robbing the BS's of a ninth-inning home run, that walked run might not have mattered:

No funny picture of Jason Kubel today...probably because I can't think of any funny puns to make with his name. Oh well, it'll come to me. In the meantime, Jason, enjoy oyur MotH.

Man of the Hour, May 29th,2007

2007-05-29T20:30:00.000-07:00

It's NOT nice to see Redmond hit by a pitch - he gets beat up enough behind the plate.

But man, it's nice to see back-to-back 16 hit games.

It's nice to see Kubel hit a 2-run dinger.

But it's best to see 2 doubles and a big booming home run from our favorite Canadian Jedi Knight.

Yeah, the first two-time winner of the MotH award. Huzzahs, eh?

I'd also like to point out it was nice to see Cali and Ortiz pitch so well out of the pen. It's always cool to see people step up in the face of injuries. Keep it up guys.

Man of the Hour, May 28, 2007

2007-05-29T03:11:00.000-07:00

A bases clearing 3 RBI double to put the team ahead for good? Hellz yeah that makes you the MotH. Just, y'know, put on some pants first or something...and maybe a shirt, socks, some nice shoes...

Man of the Hour, May 27, 2007.

2007-05-27T23:28:00.000-07:00

First, you get no run support. Then, after two bad starts, you get no love - never mind the fact that in your first three loses you gave up a grand total of five runs for a whopping two wins because the offense was offensive only to fans and to your W-L column.

Never mind the fact that youre ERA is WTFD from last year at this point.

Well, Carlos, I never lost faith in you and your sinker (well, not this season). Hell, I made this image three weeks ago, knowing that as long as our guys could score some runs, I'd be able to put it up sooner rather than later.

In closing, for two measly runs in 7 1/3 innings, for going deep into a game where we needed to rest our bullpen, and for a 3/1 K/BB ratio, you are the MotH.

By the way, Mr. Nathan - I'm glad you took my advice from the last column.

Man of the Hour, May 25.

2007-05-26T04:17:00.000-07:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Torii drove in the winning run, but it would have been nothing without Cuddy's 2-run shot in the fifth. Therefore:

And one more thing. Mr. Nathan, I'm talking to you, sir:

Stop it, sir. Just STOP it.

This thing you do of letting two baserunners on in the ninth of a one/two run game before striking out the last base runner? Stop it.

Go back to sitting them bitches down, please.

Playing catch up...

2007-05-24T00:42:00.000-07:00

Man of the Hour, May 19 - Scott Baker.

8 1/3 innings, two runs. Damn good show. Welcome back - and I hope you left Nutty at Rodchester, young man.

However, I have to give Torii Hunter something for the 18th an 19th, since he was so f'n awesome. I think I'll give him the Land O' Lakes Butter Smooveness award for Mid-May 2007.

May 20 - So close to a sweep. And more bullpen injuries. It would be a metaphor for my diet/exercise regiment, if I could make any connection whatsoever.

May 21 - Ouch. That really, really hurt. Dear Herb Carneal in Heaven did that suck. Moving on...

May 22 - Johan. Wow. One run, 13 bitches sat down. Excellent game. But I'm afraid Morneau-Bee was strong with the Force in this one, to the tune of two dingers in the key of five runs. So he's the Man of the Hour. You'll have to settle for...

...the hell with it. Two men of the hour. Keep it up boys.

May 23 - So Morneau is keeping it up. Excellent. Another home run, putting him at 2nd place in the AL. And Tyner - yes, Jason Renyt Tyner - driving in the tying run and scoring the go-ahead on a wild pitch. Welcome to MotH, Mr. Lazyparents Middlename.

Random thought - Is Pat Neshek even human? A 1.29 ERA and a friggin' .86 WHIP?

And last, but not least - Bat-Girl, it's been a hell of a time reading your blog for the last two years. I will miss it like hell. And please, enjoy the hell out of Baby Dash. And your novels. And the Twins.

Man of the Hour, May 18, 2007

2007-05-19T01:06:00.000-07:00

Five 1-2-3 innings? Check.
One run (that a almost-turned double play damn near prevented) through seven innings? Check.
Eleven strikeouts to one walk? Check.
Silly name? Check.
You, sir, were on fire yesterday. So it's only logical to make you the Man of the Hour.

Torii was a close second with his grand slam, mind you; but on two of the last three days it wouldn't have been enough for the win. Sometimes it takes more than a pretty swing to get the MotH.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

2007-05-16T12:28:00.000-07:00

The good - we scored more than one run for two consecutive games. Four home runs. Seven runs scored.

The bad - Yet another infield error.

The ugly - Our pitching stunk the place up to high heaven - maybe even the Larimore hog farm, which smells bad enough without added more putrid odors to the mix.

Real Men Like Pink.

2007-05-14T00:58:00.000-07:00

Pink bats, that is.

You see, the ESPN announcers were all gathered near the Twins' dugout, giggling at the half-dozen pick bats they saw.

"Tee-Hee! Those bats are pink!" giggled Joe Morgan.

"Yeah!" said Jon Miller, in between bites of a tasty Taco Bell steak quesadilla. "These guys are a bunch of girls!"

"C'mon, guys," smiled Torii Hunter. "We're using these bats for a good cause, to raise awareness and money for the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation."

"Ha ha! Ha ha ha! You said breast!" bellowed Peter Gammons.

"Hey now, guys. Breast cancer is a serious issue."

"That's right," added Michael Cuddyer. "We need to find a cure for one of the most dangerous diseases facing women. The more money raised to go towards research, the better the odds these women will face, and the sooner it will be when we find a cure."

"I don't see what's so funny, you immature morons," chimed in Mike Redmond. "It's the third most common cause of cancer-related deaths in this country. Women face a one in eight chance of developing the disease, and a one in thirty-three chance in dying from it."

"Ok, Ok, we're sorry. But pink bats? C'mon, guys - don't you think it's a little girly?" said Joe Morgan, Asshat.

"Girly? GIRLY?" Yelled Redmond. "What the hell is this - third grade? Get outta my chiseled, manly face before this pink bat is wrapped around your skulls!"

With that, the ESPN crew ran away. A moment of silence followed.

"You know, guys - we kind of have been hitting like girls, lately," said Torii.

"Yeah, I know. It pisses me off." said Redmond. "Those guys piss me off to. I'm so mad, I could hit my first home run since 2005!"

"Yeah! I'm so pissed off I could hit my third home run this season!" Yelled Cuddyer.

"I know I don't look like it, because I'm so smooth, but I'm pissed off too. In fact, this pretty, pretty man is so pissed off I could hit TWO home runs tonight!" said Torii, in his smooth, velvetty voice.

"So could I!" said Little Nicky Punto, causing laughter from the three.

"Well I could," he pouted.

"Tell you what, kid," Torii said soothingly, roughing up Punto's hair. "Just get your ass on base. Let us worry about the home runs."

***************************
The above statistics about breast cancer are true. I urge any of you with the monetary means to either donate to the Susan G. Komen for the Cure (linked above), or the American Cancer Society.

Man of the Hour, May 13, 2007.

2007-05-14T00:37:00.000-07:00

It feels good to type that again.

And once again, there is no doubt as to whom this honor belongs.

Two home runs? Check. Two-run double? Check. Seven - smell 'em, SEVEN - RBI's? Check.

Hot damn that's some Pretty Hittin' Torii. Hot damn indeed.

You Say Goodbye, While I say Hello...

2007-05-14T00:30:00.000-07:00

As for why I haven't been blogging the last few days, well, let's say it involves long work shifts + friends in town = working/drinking. Now on with the show:

The only thing that sucks about this? No more Sidney Ponson's Diary, courtest of Donnalove at bat-girl.com.

I know I'm a few days late, but welcome back Lew Ford, Jedi Knight. Here's a link to a song I know you'll enjoy, so long as it's not at work, in the earshot of children, or around anyone with a dislike of superfluous F-bomb's (not of the Liriano variety). Click on the link, then click on the song "Lew." Oh yeah, there's also a picture of Pat with the Nathanist of Joes, who, rumor has it, is kind of a big deal.
Click me!

May 10 - Twins vs White Sox.

2007-05-10T23:31:00.000-07:00

See yesterday's post, and replace Ramon Ortiz with Carlos Silva (except for the first inning), and you have my thoughts on today's game.

Yuck.

Man of the Hour for May 9, 2007...

2007-05-10T00:54:00.000-07:00

There is none. It COULD have been Ortiz, if not for the disasterous first inning. It COULD have been Justin Morneau, with two on with two outs in the eighth. It COULD have been Kubel, Bartlett, or Castillo in the ninth, with two on and zero, one, then two outs, consecutively.

The Twins COULD have won this game, but instead they lost, and left me with a bad taste in my mouth, one that's familiar with skunky beer. Oh, wait - that taste is skunky beer. I forgot to read the "Born on" date.

As to why Ortiz gave up four runs in the first, I think it was intentional. Really. I think the Twins plan was to spot the bitch sox a big, early lead, have a few ass-bats to lull them into a false sense of security and confidence. Hell, it worked last night, right? Problem is, tonight they gave the bitch sox TOO MUCH confidence - I mean hell, no hits through four innings will give anyone confidence. And instead of folding like a cheap pair of bitch sox, they only almost folded like a cheap pair of bitch sox. Stupid bitch sox.

Of course, it didn't help that they forgot to do the thing you need to do to win ball games. Namely, HIT THE DAMN BALL WITH RUNNERS IN SCORING POSITION. Like, alot.

Oh well, I'm off work Thursday. So it looks like I'll have a full afternoon of skunky beer and yelling at/with the TV. Go twins.

Big Fish in a Small Pond

2007-05-10T00:43:00.000-07:00

I remember it like it was two days ago. The Twins were down, 4-1, in the eighth inning, seemingly lost to the dispair of another humbling defeat. Where were the Piranah's teeth, I asked myself, before wondering where I should put the question mark in this sentence?

Then, it happened. The crafty, cranky veteran known as Mike Redmond hit an infield single - and remained unscathed himself over the course of the game, for once.

Little Nicky Punto, full of love, life, song, and cheer, got to the plate and said to himself, "I'm gonna hit this ball as hard as I can!" And he did - he mustered up all of his tiny muscles' strength and hit a single to center field.

Next up was Jason Bartlett, who apparently has remembered that he knows how to hit a baseball. "Who are we?" he shouted, as he hit an RBI double to deep right, that would have scored Little Nicky Punto if his legs weren't so, y'know, little.

"We're the f'n Piranahs!" shouted Luis Castillo, who grounded out to third, but more importantly, got Little Nicky home safely so his mommy could tuck him in.

Kubel was so excited by the two - yes, TWO run inning, that he struck out.

"I ain't no damn piranah," said Torii Hunter, "but I AM damn pretty," and then he delivered a pretty single to center field which scored Bartlett, and tied the game.

Bartlett almost won the game in the ninth, by almost getting an RBI hit, that almost (well, not almost) wasn't caught by those damn bitch sox. Stupid bitch sox.

And then, in the tenth, after two innings of bitch sox batters grounding the fudge out, Luis Castillo got himself a double. He would've grounded out to third, but their wasn't anyone to drive home, so what's the point, he thought.

Kubel was so excited by the extra base hit, he struck out again.

Torii Hunter was then intentionally walked to put a runner on first for a potential double play. As Torii walked his pretty self intentionally to first base, he knew there would be no double play, because when Cuddy goes out, he goes out in style by hitting a foul fly ball near first base - no ground ball bullcrap here.

And that's when Justin Morneau got sick of this extra innings crap (both the game he was playing in and the blackout restrictions from those boneheads at Bud Selig's office), and decided to end things dramatically by hitting the baseball approximately 9,000 feet (15,000 metric feet) into the upper deck of a passing Airbus.

"I'm no piranah!" he yelled, smiling as he rounded the bases, "I'm a Great White North Shark!"
At home plate, Little Nicky Punto held his arm as high as he could to pat Justin on the butt. "How about we call you a Piran'eh'?"

"No," said Justin. "That sounds stupid."

The very first Man of the Hour:

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As if there's any f'n doubt.

With a solo shot in the 2nd to put the Twins on the board, and a walk-off three-run dinger to the upper deck to win the game, YOU, Justin Morneau (heretofore known as Obi-Wan Morneau-Bee) are the first Man of the Hour.

First things first...

2007-05-09T00:49:00.000-07:00

This is not a blog about RBI's, WHIP's, ERA's, BB's, K's,HBP's, 2B's, or other stats, although they will be mentioned at times. It's not about strategy, roster moves, or game day line-ups, although they will be scrutinized, praised, or damned at times.

It's just about those plucky piranahs from the plains, the Minnesota Twins. And an excuse for me to write (what I hope are) humorous columns about them, to give you added cheer when they win, and a chuckle when they lose. Kinda like Bat-Girl. Or Pulling a Blylevin.

I will decide the Man of the Hour. The guy that you'd buy a beer for after a win and regale with stories about how your pee-wee T-Ball team would've taken state if your stupid coach hat let you bat instead of his kid.

And just to get things started, my favorite picture of a Nick Punto slide-to-be: